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We lost our son Jayden on March13, 2009, he was stillborn. He died from a cord accident. I can’t even explain, the sorrow that we felt.
We faced the grief and then journeyed through it. God gave us the strength to persevere even the days that I could not get out of bed or did not think that I could make it thru it another day.
14 Months later, we found out that we were expecting again. (We had decided to wait a year before trying again.) Tim and I were overjoyed and even cried when we saw our baby’s sonogram! Somehow it still seemed surreal. Our joy quickly turned to fear and anxiety. I was happy to be pregnant again but my joy was guarded. I wanted to go out and shop or call everyone but the thought of something going wrong kept creeping in the back of my mind. I had so much anxiety with every Dr’s appointment. I kept having bad thoughts (Fear = torment) so I asked friends to pray for me to have peace with this pregnancy.
Somehow having a healthy, a live baby seemed like a dream to me. It took me almost 27 weeks before the reality of bringing a baby home hit me. Let’s just say it took me this long to find peace. I was so overcome with fear to enjoy my pregnancy.( It didn’t mean that I loved my daughter less.) Sometimes I felt convicted for not being so happy like I was with our first pregnancy. I had simply lost my innocence or purity of having a healthy baby, healthy delivery and getting to go home with my bundle of Joy!
When bitter thoughts would slither in my mind, I always prayed and focused on today and not tomorrow. I always knew that I would never be ok until I held that little baby in my arms.
The many sonograms, Dr. visits, non-stress test did not give me peace. I found peace in Christ. January 31, 2011! I had a scheduled c-section and delivered a healthy baby girl, Azalia Rose Neitzey. When I heard my baby cry for the first time, I cried. All I wanted to do was hold her tight and give her lots of kisses. She is not a replacement for my angel Jayden but she has replaced the sorrow in my heart.
Children are a gift from the Lord. Everyday with Azalia is a gift from God. I pray that I will be a good steward of the time that I have with her. I feel blessed to be a mommy again!