If you had asked me to write this last year, I am quite sure it would have been quite different.
After 1 daughter and years of fertility and health problems, My husband Byron and I were so happy to finally be pregnant in May of 2007. Everything was going fine, until the 20 week ultrasound in September. It is never a good sign when the tech is quiet and wont answer your questions. The doctor came in and said, “It doenst look right. I want you to see a specialist right away.”
We ended up travelling to Kansas City to St. Lukes Hospital. I cannot say enough wonderful things about them or the doctors or counsellors. They were a bright light in a dark time. We had test after test, and they finally admitted there was a fatal issue, and they did not know what it was, but they were leaning towards some type of dwarfism. Both being healthy, and having no known family history, we were in shock. In Ocotober, it appeared she was doing better(we found out she was a girl, whom we named Mallory Grace) and we were optimistic, until the Tuesday after Thanksgiving when we found out she was in heart and kidney failure. I cannot describe the emotions. As close as I can come, it is like having your heart ripped from your chest. I have never felt pain like it, and I hope to all above I never have to again.
We went in to the doctor on December 5, and Mallory had passed. She was born on December 6, 2007 at 7:54 PM. She was 1 pound 13 ounces, and was 13.75 inches long. She was gestationaly 32 weeks but was the size of a 23 week old fetus. We never did find out what she had. I am pregnant again now, and it has been a very long 7 months.
I am due 3 days after Mallory’s birthday, on December 9,2008. So far, all is well.
Kathy asked what we would give Jesus for Christmas? Last year, I would have said things that I would be ashamed of today. I would have yelled and screamed, and said why me?? I would have given God my anger and hatred and pain and sorrow. I would have given Him all the wondering: Why Us? Why not let her be born alive to be baptised? WHY? We tried so hard to have her, not for it to end up like this?
This year, I will give Him the soul of our new girl, who we have named Noelle. I will ask Him to protect her, and love her and watch over her. I will give Him my gratitude for allowing us to have another chance, and for everything working out this time, and our prayers being answered. We will give Him our love,and commitment. One thing that helped us get over this was our Faith. I dont know where we would be today without it. I realized that God and the Blessed Mother know exactly what it is like to have a Child, love it so much,and have it taken away form you. They gave the ultimate sacrifice, in the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I felt comfort eventually in praying to them knowing that. It is not something you will ever get over, but the pain does lessen over time. I have found comfort in educating others about this, and helping friends who have had this happen to them.
All things happen for a reason, and although it has almost been a year, I am finding out more every day why this happened to us. I also want to thank Patti and Kathy and Alexandra’s House for all the comfort prayers and help before during and after. They are wonderful.
Amy, Byron, and Megan Fordham